


Five Stars

by scifigrl47



Series: The Foodieverse [17]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Food Reviews, Foodieverse fun, Gen, enjoy playing 'what's your screenname?', the foodieverse attempts the internet
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-29
Updated: 2018-04-29
Packaged: 2019-04-28 19:38:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14456331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scifigrl47/pseuds/scifigrl47
Summary: The internet has things to say about the Foodieverse restaurants.





	Five Stars

**Author's Note:**

  * For [copperbadge](https://archiveofourown.org/users/copperbadge/gifts).



> Just some silliness to counter the chaos of Infinity War. Copperbadge suggested it, and I wrote it. If people likes them, I'll probably add some more. 8)
> 
> Warnings for passing mentions of abusive relationship and slut shaming.

Welcome to **GULP!:** the premier review site for Food and Foodies!

No stores, no services, no hotels or destinations!  We're here for one reason: to let the world's best food critics get their views out there for everyone to read!  If you love food, and want to discuss that love, then **GULP!** is the place for you!  Sign up, or just settle in for intelligent, well-reasoned reviews of people who savor their food and their experiences!

Happy **GULP!** ing!

* * *

 

** Crisis Catering (Variable)**

_**-Catering service (New York State), specializing in weddings and other large events** _

**Top Review:**

> **MrsDrBillSmith: ***
> 
> -I would give them zero stars if possible.  Hired them to cater my son's wedding, at my sister-in-law's insistence.  Terrible.  They were disrespectful, unprofessional, rude and the food was horrible.  Refused to refund my fee, even though my son got food poisoning at the rehearsal dinner, forcing us to delay the wedding.  Considering legal action against them.  I'd sooner hire McDonalds to cater my next event.

_Reply:_

> **Absolutely_Not_Mrs_Bill_Smith_Jr:**
> 
> -So the above is from my almost mother-in-law.  I was eighteen, and was marrying the guy I'd been dating since I was twelve, mostly because I didn't see any other options in my small, conservative, religious town.  After a week of working with the bridal party and my fiance's family, Jess and Carol sat me down before the rehearsal dinner to ask me if I was sure I wanted to get married, if I was REALLY sure I wanted to marry this particular guy, and if I was really, _really_ sure I actually liked men.  As it turns out, the answers were I didn't, I didn't, and I don't.  So while I can't prove that they gave the abusive asshole food poisoning, like, I'd be eternally grateful if they did, because the delay gave me a chance to work it out with my crazy aunt to go live with her again.  So, from the bride?  Five stars, excellent work, and not to disturb the sanctity, purity and perfection of your relationship, but if you were ever up for a threeway, I'd be down with that.  Just throwing that out there.  

_Reply:_

> **MrsDrBillSmith:**
> 
> -You always were a slut, Becky.

_Reply:_

> **If_Lost_Return_To_Carol_Danvers: (Owner)**
> 
> -Your son hits little girls, lady.  Nice to see the garbage doesn't fall far from the can.

_Reply:_

> **MrsDrBillSmith:**
> 
> -How dare you.  You'll be hearing from my lawyer.

_Reply:_

> **If_Lost_Return_To_Carol_Danvers: (Owner)**
> 
> -Cool.  Hope it's like the last time he called, where he basically apologized for your behavior and gave us a bonus for fulfilling the terms of our contract under what he called 'extremely difficult circumstances.'  I think he meant you.  You're the 'extremely difficult circumstances."  

_Reply:_

> **Absolutely_Not_Mrs_Bill_Smith_Jr:**
> 
> -That's a hell of a screen name you've got there.

_Reply:_

> **I'm_Carol_Danvers: (Owner)**
> 
> -In my defense, she chose both of them.

_Reply:_

> **If_Lost_Return_To_Carol_Danvers: (Owner)**
> 
> -Damn right I did.

 

* * *

 

 **Mjolnir** **($$-$$$)**

_**-Gastropub (New York City), Nordic inspired food and drink in a brewpub atmosphere** _

 

**Top Review:**

> **No1Son: ***
> 
> -Pointless. Food is old fashioned and heavy handed. Too small, too crowded, bad lighting, bad service, overpriced. Could be replaced by an Applebees and no one would notice.

_Reply-_

> **TheOdinson (Owner)**
> 
> -Brother!  Still with the apples and the bees, no one wants such a dish.  Stop by when you are next in town, I will make you your favorite Syltelabb.

_Reply-_

> **No1Son:**
> 
> -I am not your brother, and no one likes Syltelabb, Thor.  

_Reply-_

> **TheOdinson (Owner)**
> 
> -You have changed your screen name yet again, but I know your tricks!  Come.  There is enough smalahove for all, brother!

_Reply-_

> **No1Son:**
> 
> -I AM NOT YOUR BROTHER.

 

* * *

 

**Potato Rescue** **($)**

**_-Food Truck (New York City), Potatoes and potato adjacent dishes_ **

 

**Top Review:**

> **Buck_Messenger: (TopGulp!er)  *******
> 
> -Fucking awesome.  Try the classic baked potato with the pulled pork, the skin is crisp and rubbed with a salt and pepper spice mixture, and the barbeque sauce mixes well with the fluffy, perfectly cooked potato.  Eat it with a bottle of root beer and savor the salty, spicy, tang.

_Reply-_

> **JohnSmith13491:**
> 
> -I thought it was greasy.  Better baked potatoes at my local Wendys.

_Reply-_

> **Buck_Messenger: (TopGulp!er)**
> 
> -I will fight you.  Right now.  Where you at?  I'll come to you.  I've got a bike, and I pedal fast when I'm pissed.  Wendys.  You come at me with Wendys?  I think putting the word 'Wendys' on this site qualifies you for an automatic ban.  But you know what, you upstate fuck?  Let me know what hotel you're at, and I'll come and show you how we do it here in the city, because you and your six reviews can mind your own fucking business.

_Reply-_

> **JohnSmith13491:**
> 
> -I'd think your language is more of a reason for a site ban than my taste in fast food, buddy.

_Reply-_

> **Buck_Messenger: (TopGulp!er)**
> 
> -I'd fucking like to see the mod with the balls to try it.  

 

* * *

 

**SHIELD** **($$$$)**

_**-Restaurant (New York City), avant guarde blind dining**_

 

**Top Review:**

> **Foodie_Frank: ******
> 
> -Tasted amazing.  No idea what I ate.  Literally no clue.  But god, it tasted good.  Head waiter snarky and seemed to delight in leading us into obstacles, especially other diners.  He can end up in a dumpster for all I care, but the food was amazing.

_Reply:_

> **SouthsideSue:**
> 
> -Hey, @ **Foodie_Frank**!  I've been trying to read up on this place, and I'm having trouble finding reliable reviews.  Any chance I could get some more info from you?

_Reply:_

> **Foodie_Frank:**
> 
> -Hi, @ **SouthsideSue** , I'd love to help, but they met us at the door, lead us into a dimly lit lobby, shoved us in a completely black dining room, walked us in what seemed like a dozen circles before seating us, handing us menus that we could not read, and leaving us to fumble around the table.  I never found my water glass, my date never found her fork, but what we ate?  I could not tell you.  It smelled good?

_Reply:_

> **SouthsideSue:**
> 
> -Thanks, Frank.  That's more than I've gotten from anyone else.  Could you not read the menus because you can't read braille?

_Reply:_

> **Foodie_Frank:**
> 
> -They weren't printed in braille.  They might not have been printed in anything.  They might've been blank pieces of paper.  The world may never know.

 

* * *

 

**Strange Spice** **(?-?????)**

_**-Wandering spice merchant (New York City), may or may not be licensed for retail/food sales** _

  

**Top Review:**

>   **HumanPersonOfNYC:  *****
> 
> -Js'j; sjkdj;wahtio sj;kej;s thkn;hn skeiskthe defective a dhihio;s skhckoischat sjak;jekamsejnv;e Iwhaoithisoulve sawja;nsiz sjkwaenamvoesh skenze diwhananan useced ahia;nzmezoe skjeaonovoeanve! AJIF.

 

_Reply:_

> **TheDoctorIsIn: (Owner)**
> 
> -I'm so sorry to hear about that.  Obviously, that was not the intended result.  May I ask if you used oil?  Or water?

_Reply:_

> **HumanPersonOfNYC** :
> 
> -Bokmn;ah  sheoisnaklve.

_Reply:_

> **TheDoctorIsIn: (Owner)**
> 
> -Ah, that explains it.  The amount of protein in blood would interfere with the results, definitely.  

_Reply:_  

> **HumanPersonOfNYC:**
> 
> -JSoxihze?

_Reply:_

> **TheDoctorIsIn: (Owner)**
> 
> -Oh, honestly, no, I wouldn't use animal blood either, it's just not suitable for your purposes.  I think I have something that would work much better.  I'll be in the dock area around midnight on Tuesday for another delivery; if you'd care to meet up with me, I'd be happy to exchange it, or take back the remaining amount for a partial refund.

 Reply:

>   **HumanPersonOfNYC:  *******
> 
> -(review updated)

 

* * *

 

**TOBRU** **($$$$$)**

_**-Restaurant (New York City) Molecular Gastronomy** _

 

**Top Review:**

> **Lee2020: ***
> 
> -This restaurant is what is wrong with the American dining scene.  This restaurant is what's wrong with America itself.  This restaurant is what's wrong with all of New York City, capitalism, Western civilization, and chain pizza.  Hundreds of dollars for foams and sugar strands, for, what?  Bacon reduced to an aromatic paste and the driest, crispest martini transformed into a flash frozen crust which is then shattered over the surface of a milkshake that tastes like burning?  I mean, these assholes aren't even content to follow the trend of dumping gold powder on every available surface and charging idiots ten times more than the food is worth because of an ingredient that contributes no taste, no texture, no worth other than to make your ass gilded in two days.  What, you're too good for putting gold flake and fish eggs on top of a pizza and clamoring until Buzzfeed shows up to fawn on your trash?  You're too good to dip a donut in gold dust like a crazy 1800's prospector drunk on his own limited success?  I mean, the high point of Stark's cuisine was chain pizza that was ruined two years ago because they insist on putting that rancid garlic butter on the crust and sure, you can ASK them not to put that on in the comments, but not like anyone reads the fucking comments, so what do you get?  Nasty tainted pizza that's still a hell of a lot better than anything TOBRU and their stupid nine month long waiting list is going to manage.

  _Reply:_

> **JustSwingingInFromQueens:**
> 
> -Have you not been able to get a table?  'Cause, I hear they had a bunch of cancellations when one of the Kardashians moved her birthday party from LA to NY this year.  Maybe try for a seating on June 19th?

  _Reply:_

> **Lee2020:**
> 
> -Hey, @ **JustSwingingInFromQueens** , don't know how you knew that, but thanks!  I've been waiting more than a year for a table!

_Reply:_  

> **JustSwingingInFromQueens:**  
> 
> -Glad I could help!  Also, your comment is now framed in the front lobby.  They might want to take your picture next to it.

_Reply:_

> **YouKnowWhoIAm:**
> 
> -Also, there's, like, a checkbox on the Big Star pizza website where you can ask for no garlic butter on the crust?  You know that, right?  Makes it easier for the staff to see, because you're right.  That stuff is nasty.

_Reply:_

> **Lee2020:**
> 
> -Amazing! You're right!  Thanks, guys!  **GULP!** users are the best!

 

* * *

 

**War On Hunger  **

**-Food truck (New York City), American Classics**

 

**Top Review:**

> **HotBoysOfGulp: *******
> 
> -Six foot plus, shoulders like a Jets linebacker, hair straight out of a boy band and a smile that wouldn't be out of place in a toothpaste commercial.  Blue eyes, well muscled, good arms.  The shoulder to hip ratio on this man is stunning.  Just.  Stunning.  He's shaped like a motherfucking Dorito, and his ass is a thing of beauty.  You ever get frustrated at a food truck window waiting for the cook to finish with your food?  Not going to happen with War on Hunger, cause his back is to you and you're like, at eye level with his ass, and I'll stand there and watch that flex for an hour and not get bored.

_Reply:_

> **StvRgrs:**
> 
> -Can we please focus on the food?  Please?

_Reply:_

> **Gulp!Guide (Mod Acct)**
> 
> -Hello, @ **StvRgrs!**   We see you're new to the GULP! community!  Thanks for joining us!  While we appreciate that not all reviews are to the liking of all of our users, they can still be of use to some!  For that reason, we leave it up to the business owners to determine if a review needs to be addressed!  Please contact the business owner if you believe he/she should be aware of specious or inaccurate details of a review!  Once again, thanks for joining us, and we're looking forward to your first review.

_Reply:_

> **StvRgrs:**
> 
> -I am the restaurant owner.  That's my ass she's talking about.

_Reply:_

> **YouKnowWhoIAm:**
> 
> -What are you trying to hide, @ **StvRgrs**?  Let the woman talk.  Every word of that review is God's honest truth, and you know it.  I cry censorship, I say this is an attempt by the establishment to stifle the free speech of the little guy.  Up with @ **HotBoyzOfGulp**.  FREE THE ASS.

_Reply:_

> **StvRgrs:**
> 
> -Really?  Really, we're doing this now?


End file.
